Vulnerability is a Strength

I once heard it said that "Vulnerability is a strength."

This almost was a 'hard pill to swallow' in a way, even though the process of doing so at the time was done with resolve and in a very brief time.  Truly, it took only a moment.

However, I almost gave the thought in me pause and serious, long, and very likely dangerous consideration.  That thought was really a logical idea, a potential action that looked like a survival tactic.  "Toss your vulnerability - your openness, your willingness to be authentic and emotional, your willingness to be real and genuine, and caring and compassionate and empathetic towards others - aside.  It has led you to a point where you have nothing positive to show for it, and left you wounded by others.  It is garbage."

I almost did exactly that, because, at the time, accepting vulnerability as a strength and believing it to be valuable meant that I had to accept the fact that my own vulnerability was also a strength in turn.

This was tremendously easier to think about on a conceptual level instead of an authentic, real, emotional one, and I know the reasons for this.  To accept my own vulnerability as a strength, after all, meant to acknowledge that something so strong and powerful and potentially empowering was also a danger to me.

And it had been.

It had been an opening for me through which I was emotionally taken advantage of.  It had been approached and treated as a weakness through which another person manipulated, abused, and thoroughly betrayed my trust.  And, to be honest, it was a weakness, one through which I was left deeply mentally and emotionally wounded - and still am, many numerous months after the fact (depending on when I'm measuring up from leading to the present).

The process of healing, when a "friend" treated me like I was disposable, repeatedly, many and many times over, is still not done on my end.

This is not surprising at all to me, even after this much time, given that it took months to realize how I was being used as I was, and actually accept it.  Warning signs were ludicrously present, and abundant, almost every day for that long period of time.  Acknowledgement, and a willingness to be honest with myself about the reasons and the origins for the pains that I felt, however, were not abundant at all.  Instead of addressing the problem thoroughly and sticking to what my gut, my mind, my heart, and my instinctual self all agreed on - that the situation I remained in was dangerous to my well-being and health (and it was), especially with me being a highly emotionally sensitive and naturally compassionate, empathetic, friendly person - I continued to trust that being true to my own ability to be patient, forgiving, open minded, and kind hearted would yield a better friendship with the person I thought of as a friend.  I wish I had fully realized, and more importantly, accepted, that that person was abusing my trust and contributing to emotionally and mentally damaging beliefs I had about myself, while still pretending to value my friendship.  And, while that person may not fully, or even remotely realize the damage that they have done, I cannot find it in myself to forgive them so far.

I once heard it said that vulnerability is a strength...and I just about rejected that.  In a moment where I could have easily broken down at that claim, broken down at the very idea that something that helped lead me into a time of such damning emotional turmoil and distress, of heightened depression and anxiety spikes, and of having to sometimes combat what bordered on actively-harmful-to-myself thoughts.

Now, had I not heard this statement at the time that I had, from the source that I did, I might not have believed it so easily, so readily, and so deeply as I did, and still do.

And, I indeed still do, and I will continue to as deeply and with as much conviction as I can, until I am proven wrong.

Except I know I won't be, because to be vulnerable is to be authentic - and to be authentic is to align one's self with reality, to embrace it, and to not hide from it.  And, in turn, to embrace and welcome and accept, warmly, reality for what it is - and to honor it by doing so - is to empower one's own self through that continued action of practicing, being, and embracing authenticity.

...And, while that person may not fully, or even remotely realize the damage that they have done, I cannot find it in myself to forgive them so far - and I likely won't, as I don't believe forgiveness to be a form of alleviating myself of a grudge so much as I see it as a being vulnerable.  And, if my vulnerability is a strength, in that it allows me to connect with others, potentially strengthen relationships with them, and, ultimately, get to know them well as people - as living, breathing, experiencing, emotionally-gifted human beings - then it is also, in turn, a gift to trust someone with my vulnerable, full authentic, barrier-free and un-shielded self.

It is a gift - just as showing someone empathy, compassion, kindness, or love is a gift...and while just about all of us deserve these things, there are cases in which we can, and sometimes many of us do, act in ways that damage our chances of being treated kindly.  Whether or not that damage has been done is not a claim for anyone who deliberately cut or otherwise dealt the wound to be able to deny; instead, it is the place of the wounded - the hurt, the mistreated, the abused, the trampled on, the discarded - to be clear and direct in saying, loud, proud, and with absolute resolve one of two things...either:

"I still trust you, and as such, you may enjoy me in my authenticity to the degree that I see fit to share it.  Though you have hurt me, I am still willing to be vulnerable around you - and thereby share who I am without barriers with you - because I believe in your morality, your ethics as a person, and I believe that the good outweighs the bad in our interactions, our shared experiences.

"I do not trust you, and you are not welcome to enjoy me in my authenticity - at all.  You have betrayed my trust, and until you change on an ethical, moral level, and show me that you can be trusted, my authentic self is a luxury that I will not provide for you again."

Both of these responses are valid, and important, and sacred; each has its place, its purpose, and its circumstances in which it is a better response.  Sad though it may be, people do not innately do good, or bad - or remain that way, good or bad - with complete consistency, regardless of their internal nature.

Reality is messy, and that deserves serious acknowledgement and long term, in depth consideration by us all.

So, too, it should not be surprising, then, that a weakness like vulnerability is just as much a strength, if not more of a strength than a weakness, at its most fundamental, most basic core...and so too, in turn, it is that such a gift as vulnerability can leave the giver in a really, truly wounded state.

Except, let's be a little more honest, and a little more direct: vulnerability may be an opening, but it isn't truly a weakness; it may create the potential for someone to hurt you, but that doesn't mean you have to be wounded.  After all, plenty of people are able to get to know one another, and to appreciate one another for being vulnerable - and similarly, courageous in their being vulnerable, and open-hearted, and honest about their own self, their feelings, their perceptions, their experiences, and so on.  If anything, this is how many relationships of many kinds, including some of the most valuable, are built, strengthened, empowered, and enriched.

So, it is important, if not healthy, and sometimes necessary, to acknowledge when someone's actions continually betray their intentions and reveal them to be deliberately negative, corrosive, manipulative, or abusive.  And it is probably even more necessary for a person who has had their own trust misused to acknowledge this than it is for others to do the same - though, others supporting this realization in a person who has been dealt a wound who might refuse to acknowledge as much is not a bad thing, either.  I say this, as a person speaking from my own personal experiences on the topic.

And yet, in spite of all that is tied to that experience - the pain, the wounds, the emotional turmoil and tumult, the hard process that has been healing so far, and the regaining of trust in myself in a way that has led back to normal building of relationships with other people - vulnerability remains a strength, a form of authenticity, and openness...and a very, truly powerful gift.

And as such, I will continue to cherish it every time I receive it - and, out of respect for others who are so also, I will continue to be vulnerable.