I once heard it said that "Vulnerability is a strength."
This almost was a 'hard pill to swallow' in a way, even though the process of
doing so at the time was done with resolve and in a very brief time.
Truly, it took only a moment.
However, I almost gave the thought in me pause and serious, long, and very
likely dangerous consideration. That thought was really a logical idea, a
potential action that looked like a survival tactic. "Toss your
vulnerability - your openness, your willingness to be authentic and emotional,
your willingness to be real and genuine, and caring and compassionate and
empathetic towards others - aside. It has led you to a point where you
have nothing positive to show for it, and left you wounded by others. It
is garbage."
I almost did exactly that, because, at the time, accepting vulnerability as
a strength and believing it to be valuable meant that I had to accept the fact
that my own vulnerability was also a strength in turn.
This was
tremendously easier to think about on a conceptual level instead of an
authentic, real, emotional one, and I know the reasons for this. To
accept my own vulnerability as a strength, after all, meant to acknowledge that
something so strong and powerful and potentially empowering was also a danger
to me.
And it had been.
It had been an opening for me through which I was emotionally taken
advantage of. It had been approached and treated as a weakness through
which another person manipulated, abused, and thoroughly betrayed my
trust. And, to be honest, it was a weakness, one through
which I was left deeply mentally and emotionally wounded - and still am, many
numerous months after the fact (depending on when I'm measuring up from leading
to the present).
The process of healing, when a "friend" treated me like I was
disposable, repeatedly, many and many times over, is still not done on my end.
This is not surprising at all to me, even after this much time, given that
it took months to realize how I was being used as I was, and actually accept
it. Warning signs were ludicrously present, and abundant, almost every
day for that long period of time. Acknowledgement, and a willingness to
be honest with myself about the reasons and the origins for the pains that I
felt, however, were not abundant at all. Instead of addressing the
problem thoroughly and sticking to what my gut, my mind, my heart, and my
instinctual self all agreed on - that the situation I remained in was dangerous
to my well-being and health (and it was), especially with me being a
highly emotionally sensitive and naturally compassionate, empathetic, friendly
person - I continued to trust that being true to my own ability to be patient,
forgiving, open minded, and kind hearted would yield a better friendship with
the person I thought of as a friend. I wish I had fully realized, and
more importantly, accepted, that that person was abusing my trust and
contributing to emotionally and mentally damaging beliefs I had about myself,
while still pretending to value my friendship. And, while that person may
not fully, or even remotely realize the damage that they have done, I cannot
find it in myself to forgive them so far.
I once heard it said that vulnerability is a strength...and I just about
rejected that. In a moment where I could have easily broken down at that
claim, broken down at the very idea that something that helped lead me into a
time of such damning emotional turmoil and distress, of heightened depression
and anxiety spikes, and of having to sometimes combat what bordered on
actively-harmful-to-myself thoughts.
Now, had I not heard this statement at the time that I had, from the source
that I did, I might not have believed it so easily, so readily, and so deeply
as I did, and still do.
And, I indeed still do, and I will continue to as deeply and with as much
conviction as I can, until I am proven wrong.
Except I know I won't be, because to be vulnerable is to be authentic - and
to be authentic is to align one's self with reality, to embrace it, and to not
hide from it. And, in turn, to embrace and welcome and accept, warmly,
reality for what it is - and to honor it by doing so - is to empower one's own
self through that continued action of practicing, being, and embracing
authenticity.
...And, while that person may not fully, or even remotely realize the damage
that they have done, I cannot find it in myself to forgive them so far - and I
likely won't, as I don't believe forgiveness to be a form of alleviating myself
of a grudge so much as I see it as a being vulnerable. And, if my
vulnerability is a strength, in that it allows me to connect with others,
potentially strengthen relationships with them, and, ultimately, get to know
them well as people - as living, breathing, experiencing, emotionally-gifted
human beings - then it is also, in turn, a gift to trust someone with my
vulnerable, full authentic, barrier-free and un-shielded self.
It is a gift - just as showing someone empathy, compassion, kindness, or
love is a gift...and while just about all of us deserve these things, there are
cases in which we can, and sometimes many of us do, act in ways that damage our
chances of being treated kindly. Whether or not that damage has been done
is not a claim for anyone who deliberately cut or otherwise dealt the wound to
be able to deny; instead, it is the place of the wounded - the hurt, the mistreated,
the abused, the trampled on, the discarded - to be clear and direct in saying,
loud, proud, and with absolute resolve one of two things...either:
"I still trust you, and as such, you may enjoy me in my authenticity to
the degree that I see fit to share it. Though you have hurt me, I am
still willing to be vulnerable around you - and thereby share who I am without
barriers with you - because I believe in your morality, your ethics as a
person, and I believe that the good outweighs the bad in our interactions, our
shared experiences.
"I do not trust you, and you are not welcome to enjoy me in my
authenticity - at all. You have betrayed my trust, and until you
change on an ethical, moral level, and show me that you can be trusted, my
authentic self is a luxury that I will not provide for you again."
Both of these responses are valid, and important, and sacred; each has its
place, its purpose, and its circumstances in which it is a better
response. Sad though it may be, people do not innately do good, or bad -
or remain that way, good or bad - with complete consistency, regardless of
their internal nature.
Reality is messy, and that deserves serious acknowledgement and long term, in
depth consideration by us all.
So, too, it should not be surprising, then, that a weakness like
vulnerability is just as much a strength, if not more of a strength than a
weakness, at its most fundamental, most basic core...and so too, in turn, it is
that such a gift as vulnerability can leave the giver in a really, truly
wounded state.
Except, let's be a little more honest, and a little more direct: vulnerability
may be an opening, but it isn't truly a weakness; it may create the potential
for someone to hurt you, but that doesn't mean you have to be wounded.
After all, plenty of people are able to get to know one another, and to
appreciate one another for being vulnerable - and similarly, courageous in
their being vulnerable, and open-hearted, and honest about their own self,
their feelings, their perceptions, their experiences, and so on. If
anything, this is how many relationships of many kinds, including some of the
most valuable, are built, strengthened, empowered, and enriched.
So, it is important, if not healthy, and sometimes necessary,
to acknowledge when someone's actions continually betray their intentions and
reveal them to be deliberately negative, corrosive, manipulative, or
abusive. And it is probably even more necessary for a person who has had
their own trust misused to acknowledge this than it is for others to do the
same - though, others supporting this realization in a person who has been dealt
a wound who might refuse to acknowledge as much is not a bad thing,
either. I say this, as a person speaking from my own personal experiences
on the topic.
And yet, in spite of all that is tied to that experience - the pain, the
wounds, the emotional turmoil and tumult, the hard process that has been
healing so far, and the regaining of trust in myself in a way that has led back
to normal building of relationships with other people - vulnerability remains a
strength, a form of authenticity, and openness...and a very, truly powerful
gift.
And as such, I will continue to cherish it every time I receive it - and, out
of respect for others who are so also, I will continue to be vulnerable.
